Graduate school can be a lot, even for a neurotypical person. It can often push you to what feels like the brink of insanity as you juggle deadlines, work, and everything else that it takes to survive. But what happens when you enter graduate school if you are already struggling to survive a fight against your own brain?

I started graduate school the same year that I foolishly promised myself that I would prioritize my mental health. I have battled anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, but I always pushed it to the back, and figured I would deal with it eventually. When my everyday interactions were increasingly being influenced by my mental illnesses, I knew I needed to focus on getting that part of my life in order, even if it meant working on it while in graduate school. That is how I have found myself currently on antidepressants for the first time in 17 years, struggling to figure out the right medication and dosage while starting to unpack a lifetime of trauma. Armed with two new diagnoses courtesy of my therapist, I am in a constant state of feeling like I am drowning. Getting out of bed is an accomplishment, let alone actually getting to any work or studying. Despite how well I am doing according to my grades, I feel like I am just barely getting by and I am letting down everyone around me, no matter how much they say differently. I feel guilty about the impact that my mental illnesses have on the lives of others who rely on me. I feel like a failure when I have to put down the article one more time because my brain just cannot focus on it no matter how much I try. I hate every panic attack that happens when an assignment is due, and I should have pushed myself just a little bit more so I wouldn’t be working on it at the last minute.

There shouldn’t be so much shame around mental health and medication to the point that people are afraid to bring it up or seek help. It is not easy. And while I wish I was able to give you a list of tips and tools to help you through this difficult time, unfortunately I can’t. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water most of the time, but then again, I have felt that way for most of my life. Ultimately, I live with the hope that the end goal is worth the fight. So, while this is not a post to give you tips on how to survive graduate school with mental illnesses, it is meant to give you some kind of peace that you are not alone if you are struggling. I have somehow surrounded myself with a wonderful support system who is always there to catch me when I am stumbling – but if you don’t feel like you have that, hi. I am your new support system, your cheerleader, the whatever you are needing. I believe in you, and I am so proud of you.

Keep going – keep fighting.